Since October I have written this post at least three times, and at each time I’ve felt it was not the right time. Even though I made an announcement on social media I was going to post very soon. It just was not happening. However, now I feel I’m in a better space to share my journey on battling through postpartum depression.
Let me start off by saying this was a very tough transition for me. I have never been unemployed for over a year. The longest I have been unemployed was for 3 months right after I graduated from college, so to experience it for a year was very challenging for me. Right before my first trimester was over I became unemployed. I had just finished my contracted job in Maryland. I was trying to figure out if I should move even further south to live with my partner or go back to Boston to live with my family. It was a tough decision to make, but in my mind and heart, I knew it was going to be with my partner.
Once my partner and I settled into our new place I was on a major hunt to find work. I had so much pressure to find work before I started to show, but the longer I kept looking the more I started to show. The harder it was for me to get hired. Unlike most women when they are pregnant for the first time I did not get that joyous experience of being pregnant. Even though, my partner, family, and friends kept telling me to do so I could not stop stressing the need to find work.
Until my beautiful ART made me stop by coming 3 weeks early. In the first month of her being born, I was so obsessed with her to the point I really stopped taking care of myself. I didn’t give myself the proper rest that I needed to recover from a C-section. My mind was only in two places ART and finding a J.O.B. By the time she was 3 months, I did two phone interviews. One job I was for sure I got until the company decided to postpone the position. I was super devastated and from that moment on I was on a whirlwind of applying and interviews.
At the time of me going through all this, I was SUPER sad to the point I would always cry, I was frustrated, exhausted, I missed my family and friends in Boston, and sometimes I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t know at the time I was going through post-partum. Thank God my post-partum wasn’t to the point of me not being able to care for my daughter. I just was depressed and felt defeated. I felt how could I provide for my beautiful baby girl?
Now let me be clear my partner and family help me tremendously, and my friends were there for me emotionally and mentally, but for me, that was not enough. I wanted to be able to do it on my own. It killed me to think I was able to give gifts and all kinds of stuff to my friends and family children, and when I had my own I couldn’t do that same treatment. That took a huge toll on me. I started to apply to every kind of job, but then I discovered the meaning of “mom hours”. That became a huge problem for me because in retail stores they often want you to be flexible. Some interviews I was often pinned as the good candidate but overqualified or I was underqualified. My frustration grew even bigger. My post-partum was also lasting beyond that first 3 months. Matter fact when I announced my post I was still very much going through it. Which is probably why I could never complete it.
Things for me truly turned around when a good friend of mine asked me to do devotionals with her on the bible app. At this point, I was such in a negative space that I needed some positivity. I started to do the devotionals with her, and then I moved to do them on my own. Once I started to read scriptures and different topics I started to get out of my funk. Now I’m not saying I was fully out of it but I slowly to start to look at what I had and not what I was missing. I knew having a job is important, but I started to feel getting spiritually connected to God was more important. Once I started my journey, for me, things slowly started to change.
I would still apply for work, but I wouldn’t stress myself so much. I started to look more into resources that can help my family and me for the time being. I started to dive in more to just being a mom. I decided to join a church; I started to volunteer in the church. I started helping out at a daycare center, which led me to start my own business with my partner doing photography. The more I put towards my faith and just trusting the process the more I got out of my post-partum depression.
I don’t have a job as of yet, but I have my own business I’m building, I’m working on my spiritual journey, I have a beautiful support system all the way from Boston, I have a healthy baby who grows so fast and I have a good partner who pushes me more then I want to at times (lol). I have love all around me, and for that I’m thankful.
In 1 year of not working, I have evolved so much. I’m a perfection at heart. I’m career driven and I like security. Although, there nothing wrong with being those things it okay to know your plans may not be what is best for you. I think as moms we put so much pressure on ourselves and in reality, our child or children are happy with just us. So, for moms who are in a similar situation like myself please know you’re not alone. You will find that right job for you, and if you are battling post-partum depression, please reach out to family, friends, your partner, your doctor, or join a support group. Do something and say something. Vocalize what you’re feeling and just know you are not alone.